Andy Performs a Wedding
June 21, 2015
A couple years ago, a friend asked if I'd perform a wedding. I
said "No." He said "Oh, come on!" I said "Only
if I can do it in a full-on Pope suit and do the wedding scene from
the Princes Bride." He said "Cool. Do it."
I got a Minister's License from the American
Fellowship Church, a pope suit was rented, and my career as
a Marryin' Man was born.
In 2014, I did a "Pirate Wedding" at the Toledo
I was pretty sure my career had peaked and I was done.
Then, in very early 2015, I got another call - my very good friend,
Lon, wanted to get married to his wonderful fiancé, Teresa.
I told him I can only do it if I could wear a funny hat (all truly
important events require a funny hat) and he said I could. I said
I wanted to do it as a Viking, and he said OK.
Over the intervening months, a friend and I built a Spanglehelm,
the basic Viking helmet. A lady in Montana was supposed to make
me a Viking costume (she didn't) and a guy at work was supposed
to give me some cow horns (he didn't) and I grew a majestic beard
(I did.) At the last possible second (Wednesday - the wedding was
on Saturday), my father-in-law came up with a pair of horns and
I had to figure out how to attach them to a helmet.
Finally, the day came: Summer Solstice - a time of magic. (Pictures
by Vicki Pershing and John Kohnen - I was busy)
We were at Quinn's Cove - a dock Lon owns on the Columbia.
It's a beautiful place, full of wildlife and, from what I hear,
meth heads. No meth heads were in evidence today.
The theme of the wedding was "Sea People" and some guests
even came by sea.
There was even a SCAMP! Serenity, recently completed by
People were hanging out in the shade, Vicki and Dave G. and a cat.
Mark, I think, was secretly wishing he was as flexible as the cat.
People were busy setting up the area for the festivities.
Since I hadn't received my Viking suit, I came in civilian clothes,
but I brought my helmet, an axe, and a sword, just in case.
Lon was petrified "You told me everyone was going to be in
costume!" I told him I didn't have a Viking suit. He said "Wait
a second!" and dug out a HUGE sheepskin coat he had from decades
ago. "It's yours now - cut the sleeves off and it's a Viking
Theresa had made her dress and Lon's costume on her 1890s treadle
sewing machine. They looked wonderful.
So I did - and it was perfect. Just a few tweaks to the costume
and we'd be ready.
Meanwhile, Dan, with the help of the lovely Vicki and Jon A, was
setting up his brick pizza oven for after-the-wedding festivities.
Lon was hanging out with friends - he also provided me with a giant
Excalibur sword - all shiny and gold.
I went down to the docks and told the gang to get ready.
And I got into costume. You are going to see a lot of pictures
of me in this costume because it is friggin AWESOME!
Yeah, baby, selling it with a Farmer's Tan.
That's . . . magnificent.
I decided to take my shoes off for the wedding - looks more authentic
than a Viking wearing a pair of Kirkland's Court.
Here's one from the side.
Even Jon was impressed - mostly because I was able to keep standing
in the heat, I think.
Ohh, this one shows off my axe.
Are we not entertained?
I wasn't the only one in costume - John K came as the Gorton Fisherman
and David was a . . . cowboy?
Sergie was a ninja.
Lon's son, Quinn, had been growing his beard, too. Shanna, his
girlfriend, wasn't in a sea themed costume, but she was lovely,
I do believe Quinn's beard was better than mine.
Bob was dressed in a stripey shirt, like a cabin boy, so we made
him the ring bearer.
Another shot of Quinn, 'cuz he's a neat kid.
Time to get serious - I explained to the crowd (some
people were not familiar with my antics) that we were dressed like
this because we wanted to make Lon and Theresa's wedding memorable
and special, as it was to be the last one they will ever have.
Then, it was time to dig out the marriage vows and
get started. I had practiced the vows for an entire hour, but I
was worried about flubbing my lines, so I thought it prudent to
read from the script.
Calling forward the the couple about to be wed
Lon says "I Do." (I know this is about Lon
and Teresa, but I think I look very earnest in this picture, don't
Handing Lon the ring
"With this ring, I thee wed."
"I introduce to you, Lon and Theresa, Husband
Lon and Quinn - it was a beautiful day.
Dan had the oven fired up and was getting the party
Happy, happy people. One of my finer moments.
Lon got a Coot burgee
- which is very nice.
And Quinn got him a Surrender the Booty firework for
later that evening.
It was time for me to get out of my get up - I was
Quinn makes a good Viking, too.
Dan and Vicki made us pizzas until we popped.
And then it was time for people to head for home.
One last shot of the happy couple. May they live their
lives in unity, love, and happiness.
That, my friends, was great. Lon and Teresa, in addition
to wishing you years of happiness, I thank you for allowing me to
be a part of this happy occasion.